On the road....

Sitting in the car headed to the once again, wonderful town of Brunswick. This time it won't be to indulge in the wonder Willy's Wee Nee Wagon. Although, that's not saying I won't make a trip. I am actually on my way to see my "Papa Love". He was diagnosed with this ugly thing called Leukemia about 3 months ago. It's been a battle, some weeks we win. Some weeks we lose, this week we are losing...

...We haven't lost the battle. Just losing currently. 

I hate cancer. It's something I've heard many, many people say, something I've seen people deal with and cope with. I am just now learning what "I hate cancer" really means. 

• I hate the emotional roller coaster 
• I hate the crying
• I hate goodbyes
• I hate having so much faith in God, but be left with such a pain in my heart
• I hate the sadness
• The emptiness 
• The "what next" feeling 
• The hopeless doctors
• The positive doctors
• The un-promised future
• The thought of preparing. How do you PREPARE
• The unanswered questions
• The "bad news"
• The explanations I never understand 

I stay strong most days, because I do have this strong relationship with God. I know heaven is real. I know it's somewhere that's closer than we all think. I know I will still be able to talk to my papa & I know he will be saying "there's my favorite teacher" every time I walk into a classroom or "I am proud of you baby" every time I get another "A" or graduate with my masters next summer. 

I know everything will be okay. I have faith & I trust in God. I often think of a song we sing in church..

"Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive? I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find...

All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong...

So when the walls come falling down on me and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea I have this blessed assurance holding me." 

& that really explains how I feel right now. 

This world is not our home....

Sooooooo....

I was really planning on writing about furniture.....but, I've been holding all this in, because my emotions are not my friend. Luckily, I do have a friend who is more like me than she knows. She assures me it's okay to be strong, but it's also okay to lose it in the shower if you need too. And a fiancé who tries to make me realize crying is normal. I love them. 

I love my Papa Love who is STILL HERE. I thank God for everyday I get to spend with him.

I am also thankful for my silly brother who captured these moments at Emory & hash-tagged them on Instagram. 

              #NotebookLove

#HoldingTheMaskLikeARebel

Xox -Jen